Baffled

Waking up one day with no job, no income and with lots of bills to pay is not something most if not all people would ever dream of experiencing. I don’t know what happened. Slowly the consequences of my earlier actions are now hunting me, daunting me.

What have I done?!

I got burned out from doing the same thing over and over again each day for years and yet it seems like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. I tried to hold on for sometime but one day, something happened and something has been said that became the last and final straw. I decided I cannot stay any longer. It has to stop. I have to stop. I have to leave.

Leaving was not easy. A part of me is breaking into pieces. It was my heart and soul. I was trying not to cry. I told myself that I made that decision therefore I must be strong in facing what is ahead. I tried hard to put a calm presence and a smiling face. But deep inside I was aching. My hands were shaking so I hid them. I did not trust my voice too so I didn’t said anything besides “thank you”.

Now here I am and it feels like I am in a limbo. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I am going. I know there is a place somewhere for me but I have yet to find it. For the meantime I have to continue making a living and never ever forget on living. Damn, yeah! I was like that before. I keep on making a living but then at the end of the day, I would ask myself did I live a life I wanted to today? 6 years and the answer has always been a big NO.

Yes, my plan is to look for work so I can make a living and at the same time give a chance to myself to live. To live the life I missed all those years. To do things I always wanted to. I am not getting any younger. Though I do not have a bucket list but I have list. A bowl list only as it is but a few.

I am still baffled about life. Still baffled about my life. I hope someday I’ll become whole again. Sometime in the not so distant future I will be able to say that I am a better version of my old self.

 

 

(originally written on March 4, 2016)

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