Out of the Ordinary

June 1st, I woke up earlier than usual and prepared to leave at 9am. I will have my pre-employment medical test.

A few days ago a former colleague called me and asked if I wanted to go back and work for their company. Being lonely and at the brink of madness I said yes but only if they will agree to my desired salary.

Working home-based for the past 5 years was a bliss. No traffic, no need to wear decent clothes and need not to worry about where and what to eat. My decision to work at home was mainly so that I can take care of mom who has been sickly and me being sick too. I was diagnosed with Cervical Dysplasia. My hemoglobin would dive down as low as 5 counts thus the need to do blood transfusion. I can only afford the blood transfusion and not yet the operation. Besides I was also very scared to do something like that because it might only shorten my life. Most female relatives who undergone the same procedure died after the operation…well, within the next 3 to 6 months. Finally on November 25, 2014, a good Samaritan shouldered my hospital expenses so I had the procedure done. Biopsy showed I have stage 1 cancer. It did not bothered me at all because my focus then was to make my mom’s health better. She has hypertension, she has diabetes and a heart condition. I was at home 24/7. Never want to leave her side just to make sure she will be alright.

But the unthinkable happened and she was called by our Father in heaven on May 7th of this year. Yes, I was devastated. I was so angry and about to go crazy. She was the most important person in my life. She was my everything. If only I can trade my life for my mom, I would.

And because I was just staying here at home for the past 5 years, I felt like I am about to go crazy because anywhere I look I can see my mom. So, that call on that fateful day was a blessing. I believe it’s time to do something out of the ordinary. Time to get out of my cave and start to mingle again – physically.

I hope that by doing this, it would help me even a bit in bringing my chaotic life back to normal. I hope my mom would agree too of what I did…

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HOW: Life After My Mom Passed Away

 

I honestly don’t have any idea. Everything is bleak. It’s a gloomy world. The light of my life…the light of my family is gone. There will be no more nagging in the morning to take my breakfast before starting to work. There will be no more scolding so that I eat my lunch. There will be no more happy chatter before going to sleep at night. No one to soothe my worried mind.

Everyday, her last few hours here on earth kept on replaying in my mind. I felt like I have not done enough to keep her alive. I was not a good daughter for I was not able to make her happy and contented enough in life. There are so many ifs and what ifs.

It’s almost a month when she passed away and yet the pain and loneliness is still as fresh as if it was only an hour ago.

Life in our house has been as usual, mind you. But simply because I have to make sure it does. For my father’s sake. For my family’s sake. However, I am still struggling to make everything right in my own life.

I am in deep shit. I feel like I am not myself at all. I don’t know who I am at this point. There’s a part of me saying I am still me but there is also a part of me who wanted to be just a mad woman!

To be continued…